If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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