you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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