ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
How does one acquire holy water?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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