Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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