So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
