I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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