wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
