I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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