i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
