Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
