the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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