What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
