i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just had sex on a roof
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
