dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
