U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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