he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize