Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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