Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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