Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
