At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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