Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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