A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
