Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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