Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We smell like vodka and hangover
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