he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i've created a new STD.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
