Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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