do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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