you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
