I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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