atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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