I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Michael Bay diarrhea
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
