YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
