if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
