Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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