420 ftw
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
