genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
