So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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