dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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