she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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