note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
