I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
