making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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