Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
