Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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