I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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