The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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