The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
