I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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