Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need to calm my uterus...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
