i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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