i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
