sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
