you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
someone threw a dead crab at me
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
