so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
