your thong is hanging out like whoa
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
