I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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