the condom got lost in my hair
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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