is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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