Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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