You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Farmville is her only friend.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
