From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
