Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
