Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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