We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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