I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
