I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
