Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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