my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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