there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
