i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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