My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
